


Cell Mates

by dancinbutterfly



Category: Askewniverse
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-23
Updated: 2008-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-25 06:40:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1636964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancinbutterfly/pseuds/dancinbutterfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You don't talk trash about Obi-Wan Kenobi. Not in front of Randall. Not if you want to walk away intact. ~ Jay/Silent Bob, set directly after the end of the jail scene in Clerks 2.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cell Mates

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to Whetherwoman, Soundingsea, Pesha and Abi. Couldn't have done it without you.
> 
> Written for chaosmanor

 

 

Who the fuck would watch a movie about two stoner fuckwits, Randall can't even fucking fathom.

But the idiot twins are going to help them buy the Quick Stop with their movie money, so it's a happy freaking ending except for how they're all still in fucking jail. Bail hasn't been set yet, they're going fucking nowhere fast, and the silence stretches out ugly and boring as hell. 

Randall'd normally make his own amusement. A few well-placed sentences and he could send Jay into a bitching, blithering homophobic mess that could keep him entertained for at least an hour.

But.

But there's the fucking money, isn't there? There's the Quick Stop and video store and his whole fucking future that rests on him not pissing off Fatass and Queero. 

Self-preservation only goes so far, though. He's never had much of it, and today it lasts him about an hour of rehashing the fall of the Old Republic and the rise of the Empire. 

"Shit only fell apart `cause Obi-Wan was a fuckin' fag for Anakin, man. Anakin made Obi-Wan his bitchboy so he'd let his Dark Side shit slide and fuckin' everybody got killed. I'm surprised the mopey son of a bitch didn't chase Vader's burnt dick into the fucking Empire," Jay says, and oh fucking _no_. 

You don't talk trash about Obi-Wan fucking Kenobi. Not in front of Randall. Not if you want to walk away intact. 

"And you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?"

"Randall-" Dante begins, ever the peacemaker, but he's not having it. 

The supposedly ex-druggie faggot's crossed one of Randall's very few lines and he's going for blood - movie money or no. They'll get a loan or something. He can sell a kidney on the black market if he has to. 

Jay folds his arms and leans back against the bars. "Yo, fuck you, burger bitch."

"I know you want to." Randall laughs. "Christ, everyone knows you crave cock like a fucking two-pack-a-day smoker needs a cigarette on a thirteen-hour flight. What I want to know is how you managed to go this long without ever fucking dealing with what a tremendous queer you are."

"Motherfucker, nobody loves pussy more than me. I slam the shit out of pussy, lick it `til she comes then turn her over and fuck it from behind `til she's howling like Walt Flannigan's dog."

"I'll believe that when I see it. Which I don't think I ever will. I think you've been waiting for Tubby here to open his mouth and tell you to drop to your knees and suck it like you're his prison bitch."

Dante drops his head into his hands. "Jesus Christ, Randall."

"He will if you tell him to," Randall says, glancing at Silent Bob, who's looking at him with a steady gaze. Bob's head is tilted to the side, clearly questioning. "It's all over his fucking face- just like he wants your come to be."

Bob tilts his head to the other side. Then he looks at Jay, who shakes his head so hard his hair is flying. 

Jay wraps his arms tighter around himself. "No, I fucking don't. I fucking love fucking chicks, dickface."

"Nothing's wrong with you if you don't. Homosexual leanings are completely natural," cuts in the donkey fucker. It cracks Randall up so hard he can barely think - the ringing endorsement from the guy who assfucks a burro. It's freaking poetry worthy of the fact that he's going to have to ask his mom to co-sign that loan on his future horizon. 

"It don't matter how fucking natural or un-fucking-natural, 'cause I only like fucking big-titted sluts, so just shut the fuck up and back the hell off, you twisted donkey fucker."

"You wanted to watch me and Dante blow each other and then ass to mouth for the fucking loan, you fucking perv," Randall points out coolly. 

The son of a bitch is cracking and it's easier than the Lord of the Rings geeks, shockingly so. And if he'd known it would be this easy, he'd have done this ten years ago. 

"What the hell was that about? Buy some fucking porn with all that movie money if you want to see two guys fuck so badly. Better yet, take that money, go online, and buy yourself a hooker. It's money well spent if all the cock in your mouth will get you to shut the fuck up for ten minutes. "

"Fuck you, man," Jay spits, but that's the best he's got and it comes out kind of hopeless- which is kind of sad actually. Pathetic. But then, Jay vibes pathetic all the fucking time.

"Just accept it. You're jailed, you want your ass nailed, get the fuck over it."

He sits back on the cold concrete floor, satisfied, and watches as Silent Bob cross the cell and takes Jay by the shoulders. Jay shakes his whole body and pulls away.

"Get the fuck off me, you fat motherfucker. Don't fucking touch me."

"What'd you do that for?" Dante whispers, moving to sit next to Randall but keeping his face and body angled so that he can watch the train wreck unfold before them. "They were going to give us fifty thousand dollars. Do you really want me and everyone around you to be that fucking miserable?"

"I'm not going to be beholden to some closet case and his obese spank-bank refiller. If they still want to give us the money, they will, and if not we'll find it somewhere fucking else, but he pushed me too fucking far."

Dante shakes his head. "You're out of your fucking mind. It's just a movie."

"It's not just a movie, and shut hell up already," Randall hisses, wishing he had popcorn or corn chips or something to eat while he watched Jay's nuclear meltdown. "This is better than stolen cable."

"I said get the fuck off of me!" Jay shouts and shoves at Silent Bob again. 

"Jay." Damn, it's always weird to hear that fucker talk. "It's okay, man. Just breathe."

"Don't fucking touch me. I fucking told you."

Dante and Randall both watch as Silent Bob holds up his hands. I'm not touching you, the move says. I'm safe. You're okay.

"I'm not a fucking faggot," Jay says. It comes out hoarse and thready like Jay's about to cry.

Yes you fucking are, Randall thinks. And yeah, he might feel a little bad. It's been a few years since he brought a grown man to tears. But on the other hand, this guy's been a thorn in his fucking side for years, so he can't bring himself to feel actually sorry.

Silent Bob just nods at Jay, hands still raised. He takes a step towards Jay, who's backed into a corner like a scared animal. Randall's kinda wondering what the fuck the guy's planning to do when Jay lets him get close enough. If Silent Bob's as big a fag as Jay it'll be some hideous fucking tonsil hockey. But it could be anything.

"I'm not."

Bob nods again.

"I'm fucking not, Fat Ass. You hear me?"

Another nod. Another step forward. In a move that's smoother than any Randall's ever successfully executed in the quest for pussy, he reaches out and puts his hand on Jay's chest without Jay pulling away.

"I'm not."

"It's okay."

"Bob, I'm- I can't-"

"It's okay."

"It's fucking not. This is so fucking far from okay it's in the next mother fucking galaxy! It's an abomination in the sight of the motherfucking Lord and She'd know. She'd be pissed, man. She'd fucking smite my ass."

"No, She wouldn't. That's not how She is and you know it. It's okay. You're okay. "

Okay, now it's just getting weird. Randall doesn't know who the fuck the girl is they're talking about but he's getting bored again. Faggy emo crap. "Just fucking kiss already, you gaylords."

And Silent Bob fucking does. He fucking kisses Jay and wow, Randall honestly wasn't expecting that. An insult returned, a punch thrown, or something else maybe. But in spite of all his goading, this is not what he thought would happen. 

Watching a bearded fat man tongue fucking the hell out of a tall skinny guy is not how Randall'd thought he'd spend tonight. Granted, neither was the _gay_ donkey show, the getting arrested, or talking Dante out of Florida but still. Enough's e-fucking-nough.

"Hey-" Randall begins, repulsed but unsure of what exactly he's going to say to put a stop to this shit. He doesn't like being at a loss for words so he's almost relieved when Dante cuts him off. 

"Just leave it, Randall."

"But-"

Dante shakes his head then jerks his head in their direction. Jay's knocked Silent Bob's hat off, he's kissing the chunky bastard so hard, the homo, and one of Silent Bob's hands has completely disappeared. From across the cell, he can hear Jay make a creepy gasping sound and doesn't want to know where the fuck that hand's gone. 

"I'm going to need bleach for my fucking brain."

"Leave it. If you leave it, we may have a chance in hell to get the anyway. And you might actually have done something good today in spite of yourself."

"How is that good?" Randall asks, thoroughly repulsed but unable to look away as Silent Bob pushes Jay back into the bars. It's as grotesque as the donkey show but worse because he fucking knows these guys. 

The donkey fucker heaves a heavy sigh. "They're happy. Sudden freedom from sexual repression can cause this reaction in people." 

The implication of how he'd know that makes Randall shudder. So many kinds of wrong. "That's fucking disgusting."

Dante sighs, longsuffering and impatient. It's a familiar sound that means that the fight might not be worth it. 

"Randall, just this once, okay? Leave it alone."

"Today," he concedes. "And just for fucking today. Tomorrow I'm gonna tell all of New Jersey they're the biggest fairies west of fucking Neverland." He cups his hand over his mouth. "And keep your fucking clothes on!"

Jay doesn't stop kissing Silent Bob. He just lets go with one hand long enough to give Randall the finger. It's a shitty comeback, Randall thinks, but it'll do for now. 

 


End file.
